May Was My Most Difficult Month

A personal diary kinda article.

Niharikaa Kaur Sodhi
4 min readJun 2


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Date written: May 25, 2023

Even when I write this, I feel emotionally so unsettled.

I’ve been awake since 3 am with a racing mind. And yes, I’ve been meditating for 6 years and tried various techniques to put myself to sleep. Nothing helped.

I cried for no reason a few days ago in intervals. This lasted all day.

Every time I meditate and do a body scan, my chest feels heavy. I breathe, and visualise the warmth of sunshine, but nothing seems to make it go away.

I preach positivity (still a fan and still actively work on it every day), but I also embrace my sadness and lows.

I talk about not making your articles a personal diary but I’m banking on a bit of writing to make me feel better.

It’s selfish, I know.

A change of events this month that started okay drained me to a complete downfall.

Have you experienced when physical exhaustion leads you to feel sick mentally and mental exhaustion makes you feel sick in your body? It’s how I’ve been feeling every day.

This is, again, a dip I’m experiencing every morning this month.

During the day, though, I shift my mind to my happy and positive self. When I hit the bed, there’s no negativity, but it’s heavy. I feel like there’s a weight on my body, and then some more weight plates kept on top of me to weigh me down.

Making me feel heavier and more exhausted.

This month, I’ve experienced the three emotions I rarely do:

  • anger
  • exhaustion
  • irritability

If you’ve read my articles before, you’d know how much I believe in not dwelling in anger because it's a form of self-sabotage. When we’re angry, nobody cares. It doesn’t even impact anyone, but it deeply affects our bodies.

So why dwell on such an emotion?

But I’ve been experiencing short bursts of anger all month. You know that feeling when you think everything is falling apart, you’re falling apart, that’s what it feels like.